Magazines know EVERYTHING!

I’ve been a long-time reader of Cosmopolitan magazine. I can’t help it. Something about the pretty cover and unrealistically beautiful cover people with unattainable looks always catches my attention when I’m waiting in the HEB checkout line with my (usually very strange) combination of weekly groceries. And I will probably continue reading it for many years – even though about 99% of the stuff in the magazine is absolutely bizarre and ridiculous. I sincerely hope that all you ladies out there that do read this magazine don’t base your lives off of it. People don’t actually do this junk…or do they…? All the magazines these days have gone a little overboard with pop culture.

Let’s begin.

While waiting in the checkout line yesterday, I was casually browsing the magazine covers to get a quick recap of all the breaking news going on in the lives of celebrities. It’s always so accurate and completely relatable, so I like to be in the know.

On the cover of a teen magazine was Selena Gomez standing with that ever-so-popular hand-in-your-messy-hair stance, holding a wallet. That she was biting. Is that weird? To me it is, but maybe I should try it. I mean, she did snag Biebs. So it must be the thing to do. Cosmo cover girls do a lot of weird things, but never have  I ever seen one eating a wallet. I guess the rumors that she was money hungry were true. Aha. Joke of the day. You’re welcome.

Cosmo cover girls just wear crazy outfits…that I not-so-secretly wish I could pull off. Sadly, I put maybe 15 minutes into bettering my appearance, and I’m pretty sure these looks aren’t created in such time. They need at least 20. For sure.

Now for the meat and potatoes.

My favorite part is the advice column that’s usually smack-dab in the middle. I’ve decided they do this so they can throw in a few love stories and make you feel down in the dumps. Then, PRAISE JESUS IT’S THE ADVICE PAGE I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR! Because you don’t actually realize how many life-altering problems you have until you spend 30 minutes reading stories and adventures of complete strangers.

I would like to know the qualifications of an Advice Columnist. I like to write. Can I be one?

The advice is unreal. By that I mean AWESOME. Just kidding. Unless you’re into it. In which case go for it. How else would you know if a prenup is a good decision? However,  if any of you are crazy enough to take my advice would like some input on a current situation in your life – preferably dealing with love and relationships, because everyone knows I am just an absolute genius on the subject – let’s give it a try. I’ll temporarily take over the “Dear Abby” title. Because I like to do what I can to help the community.

Secondly, it’s those quizzes. As weird as they are, I’m always going to be adamant about completing each and every, very accurate, quiz. I like to know what kind of person I am. The end result is always some very helpful information like which type of high heel you reflect. Also, my spirit animal is a Gazelle. <– That quiz was my favorite. It’s like playing MASH as an adult. Remember that game? I always got the short end of the stick in that one….

Then there’s the horoscopes. Virgo at your service! As hard as I try, I just can’t avoid these things. And I believe them. These words just seep into my sub-conscience. For example, one time it said something about finding fortune. And wouldn’t you know it, there was a dollar in my back pocket. Coincidence? Nope.

Well, that’s all I have.

Time to go read my new mag.




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